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xxvii. Candor

If you met me before July 2015 and after August 2017, you probably know of me as a bubbly, cheery person. I have a close friend who calls me “Tigger” because of my energy; I like to be happy, I like to spread warmth, and I like to laugh. I had a really rough 2 years and had anhedonia; nothing made me happy, and all I felt was hopelessness.

I worked really hard on coping mechanisms, on learning how to not assign happiness to outcomes, but to enjoy the journey, and I have discovered things to love about me [I have a lot of things about me that I love.] So while my overall mood/state of wellbeing is good, I did struggle with depression, I baseline have anxiety, and the lack of sunlight does not make things easier for me.

We live in a society in which it’s still not okay to be okay, and the only time is it kosher to share your sad story is if a triumphant ending follows. No one wants to hear that you’re still going through it. But, sometimes, like today, I have days when I feel sad as hell, and my day is a bit teary. These moments can happen because I’ve read too many terrible news stories, and I feel helpless, because something happened that was triggering and reminded me of my 2 year-long nightmare, I didn’t get something I wanted, or because my brain has decided she wants to mope, I’ve written down a few things that I do to cope with these feelings.

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xxvi. Music Playlist

Most of my close friends know that I love music and that I love dope music and I love sharing aforementioned dope music. I fancy myself a great potential DJ, however I sometimes [often] lack discipline and I cannot blend songs well. Seriously, I can’t. I tried to learn how to DJ and each song transition sounded like I threw a chair into a glass window.

However, I have decided to start curating playlists! I’m going to try my best to do a playlist once a month, maybe twice if I’m feeling froggy. Follow ya girl’s playlist on Spotify, and take a listen! I carefully chose the songs, so please listen in order, and please dance.

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xxv. New Decade

I’ve had 30 revolutions around the sun; I’m grateful for the experiences that was my twenties. My twenties were messy, terrible, beautiful, exciting, and memorable. I moved to a new city, I applied to med school on faith and got it. I went natural and cut my hair off. I made amazing friends and met terrible people. I felt my first adult love, had my heart broken, and I’ve never loved anyone since then. I experienced the loss of a parent, I experienced mental illness and had multiple major depressive episodes. I didn’t have a job for 7 months and no health insurance, I attended my dream schools, I’ve met amazing people, I’ve lost some of my female best friends and I’ve gained some more amazing ones in their place. I’ve discovered some things about myself, including how resilient I am, and I’ve finally reached a place of self love.

This post is about the things I’ve learned about myself and life in my twenties.

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friendships, Personal, Relationships, Uncategorized

xxiv. the breakup.

Friendship between women is different from friendship between men… It is my women friends that keep the starch in my spine and without them, I don’t know where I would be.
–Jane Fonda

 

Whenever you break up with a significant other, there are understood rules of decorum in how you are allowed to act and grieve. Your options include, but aren’t limited to, crying profusely, becoming promiscuous and sex the pain away, jumping into a new relationship, cutting your hair/change your appearance, running your credit card bill up, substance abusing the pain away, partying away, moving and traveling to find yourself, writing blogs/poetry/songs, bettering yourself also known as glowing up, eating ice cream, picking up new hobbies, and your friends are there to support you while you mourn the demise of your relationship and move forward. But what do you do when your friendship breakup is with one of your best friends?

There is a paucity of guidelines on how to cope with a friend breakup, which can be just as traumatic if not more traumatic than a romantic breakup. I’ve cried my fair share of tears over men, but when I’ve had to experience the loss of a best friend, a person who was part of my backbone, I’ve never known how to express my feelings and as a result, they have always turned into a cold, metallic bitterness.

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Anime, Culture, Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized

xxiii. the will of fire

True Life: I’ve been an anime nerd before it was acceptable to be an anime nerd. My first anime was Vampire Hunter D, followed by Project A-ko; I was five, creeping on the Sci-Fi channel. Sailor Moon is my absolute favorite, it developed my personal belief system and how I view the world. But Naruto is a very close second. This anime is about a boy who isn’t respected, seemingly weak and incompetent, and has a literal demon inside of him, who wants to be Hokage [leader of the Leaf Village]. He defies all odds, you discover how much innate power he has, and he utilizes the power of the demon inside of him to save the day. The story of Naruto and Kurama/Nine-tails Fox BeastĀ could be a metaphor for making peace with your inner demons.

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friendships, Growth, intentions, love, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts, Uncategorized

xxi. an exercise and exorcism for savagery

For as long as I can remember, empathy and genuine human connection have been focal points in my life. I’m a brutally soft woman and I believe [or at least want to believe] that the world is a beautiful place. Empathy and genuine human connection cannot exist without vulnerability. Quite a few times, I’ve beenĀ too open to those who many not place as much importance on empathy and those who were not able or willing to connect me and just wanted to use me. Those situations have been very painful, especially in how people react then leave me, and I’ve required therapy. But I still believe that empathy is the most important thing.

However this philosophy of mine has led me to harboring feelings of disgust at my fellow counterparts. bell hooks has hypothesized that greed begat capitalism which begat instant gratification which begat viewing people and relationships as disposable as dixie cups. We view people for what they can do for us with as minimal reciprocity as possible. This mentality has birthed the current popular term, “savage” and there is a sense of pride with self-identifying as one.

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