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xxv. New Decade

I’ve had 30 revolutions around the sun; I’m grateful for the experiences that was my twenties. My twenties were messy, terrible, beautiful, exciting, and memorable. I moved to a new city, I applied to med school on faith and got it. I went natural and cut my hair off. I made amazing friends and met terrible people. I felt my first adult love, had my heart broken, and I’ve never loved anyone since then. I experienced the loss of a parent, I experienced mental illness and had multiple major depressive episodes. I didn’t have a job for 7 months and no health insurance, I attended my dream schools, I’ve met amazing people, I’ve lost some of my female best friends and I’ve gained some more amazing ones in their place. I’ve discovered some things about myself, including how resilient I am, and I’ve finally reached a place of self love.

This post is about the things I’ve learned about myself and life in my twenties.

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friendships, Personal, Relationships, Uncategorized

xxiv. the breakup.

Friendship between women is different from friendship between men… It is my women friends that keep the starch in my spine and without them, I don’t know where I would be.
–Jane Fonda

 

Whenever you break up with a significant other, there are understood rules of decorum in how you are allowed to act and grieve. Your options include, but aren’t limited to, crying profusely, becoming promiscuous and sex the pain away, jumping into a new relationship, cutting your hair/change your appearance, running your credit card bill up, substance abusing the pain away, partying away, moving and traveling to find yourself, writing blogs/poetry/songs, bettering yourself also known as glowing up, eating ice cream, picking up new hobbies, and your friends are there to support you while you mourn the demise of your relationship and move forward. But what do you do when your friendship breakup is with one of your best friends?

There is a paucity of guidelines on how to cope with a friend breakup, which can be just as traumatic if not more traumatic than a romantic breakup. I’ve cried my fair share of tears over men, but when I’ve had to experience the loss of a best friend, a person who was part of my backbone, I’ve never known how to express my feelings and as a result, they have always turned into a cold, metallic bitterness.

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Anime, Culture, Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized

xxiii. the will of fire

True Life: I’ve been an anime nerd before it was acceptable to be an anime nerd. My first anime was Vampire Hunter D, followed by Project A-ko; I was five, creeping on the Sci-Fi channel. Sailor Moon is my absolute favorite, it developed my personal belief system and how I view the world. But Naruto is a very close second. This anime is about a boy who isn’t respected, seemingly weak and incompetent, and has a literal demon inside of him, who wants to be Hokage [leader of the Leaf Village]. He defies all odds, you discover how much innate power he has, and he utilizes the power of the demon inside of him to save the day. The story of Naruto and Kurama/Nine-tails Fox Beast could be a metaphor for making peace with your inner demons.

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friendships, Growth, intentions, love, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts, Uncategorized

xxi. an exercise and exorcism for savagery

For as long as I can remember, empathy and genuine human connection have been focal points in my life. I’m a brutally soft woman and I believe [or at least want to believe] that the world is a beautiful place. Empathy and genuine human connection cannot exist without vulnerability. Quite a few times, I’ve been too open to those who many not place as much importance on empathy and those who were not able or willing to connect me and just wanted to use me. Those situations have been very painful, especially in how people react then leave me, and I’ve required therapy. But I still believe that empathy is the most important thing.

However this philosophy of mine has led me to harboring feelings of disgust at my fellow counterparts. bell hooks has hypothesized that greed begat capitalism which begat instant gratification which begat viewing people and relationships as disposable as dixie cups. We view people for what they can do for us with as minimal reciprocity as possible. This mentality has birthed the current popular term, “savage” and there is a sense of pride with self-identifying as one.

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Food/Drink/Culture, Growth, intentions, Personal, Thoughts, TV, Uncategorized

xx. the bicameral mind

If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.
— Audre Lorde

HBO has cultivated an arsenal of TV shows that rival movies. We have to thank Breaking Bad on AMC for revolutionizing TV dramas and changing how we view it. In the past, TV used to be a cesspool; a place where old actors go to die or actors who aren’t palatable enough for Hollywood would have to settle. After Breaking Bad, TV evolved; it became a haven where we questioned the human experience and morality associated with our humanity. HBO’s West World had its season finale this past Sunday, and it continued the trend of television shows that raised philosophical questions about who we are.

West World is about a theme park where humans interact with androids referred to as ‘hosts’ for a fee of $64k a day. Humans can do anything to the hosts, and the hosts have narratives that they repeat every single day, and they remember those storylines and it turns out they remember the pain. This show examines what makes someone “human.” West World had many storylines, but central to the plot was the plight of the host Dolores. She’s the oldest host of the park therefore the one with the greatest amount of imprints of painfully memories. Continue reading

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Food/Drink/Culture, friendships, intentions, Relationships, TV, Uncategorized

xix. insecure

Excuse my cultural appropriation, but Issa Rae is my spirit animal. I know my sentiments aren’t unique, a lot of black women identify with Issa Rae, but I’ve always been the O.G. black girl. When The Misadventures of ABG first premiered on YouTube, everyone reached out to me. “Renee, this character reminds me so much of you!”

When I heard that Issa Rae was going to have a network show on HBO, I felt like a proud mama bear. Her show premiered on my birthday; the first episode was about her birthday and she turned 29, the same age I turned! How anyone could deny God connecting us together is beyond me. Insecure just finished its first season yesterday, and the finale had black millennials in a tizzy. It had me in my feelings.

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