2015 was such a huge transitory year; I let go of old situation to get involved in another situation I had to let go of, I had a close friendship die. I fell for someone to have them betray me. I had the time of my life from January – September, I solidified already really excellent friendships. Family members died, I got a job, I had real life adult bills, I had to buy a new car, I moved from a comfort zone to an unfamiliar city and I’m learning how to bloom where I’m planted. There were times that I thought I wasn’t going to be “happy” because I didn’t get what I want the way I wanted it. But I am learning how to bloom where I am planted.
I started this blog last year to chronicle my thoughts on politics [I hate you Abigail Fisher. Black Lives Matter. White Tears gotta go] and personal growth; I’ve obviously not blogged on here often/I suck. I thought about making a trite post on what I’ve learned in 2015 [re: a shit ton] but the one lesson I feel the need to write on is forgiveness.
I’m absolutely terrible at forgiveness; my friends often ask me for advice on how to forgive people, being kind to others who are emotionally abusive, manipulative. I speak a message of love, kindness, empathy, because I truly believe that all people are valuable and worthy. I encourage my friend to forgive and reconcile. I believe that if God can forgive me and my sinful, lustful ways, I owe it to myself to forgive others for being equally as flawed.
But the truth is, I’m absolutely terrible at forgiveness. If you step on my J’s, I might side-eye you but I’ll move past the transgression. If you make slick, rude comments to me, I’ll be upset for a bit but I eventually move past it and the relationship progresses and we are fine. But there are certain grave offenses [and these are truly grave: i.e. lying to me, having a girlfriend and not telling me, emotionally manipulating me and selling me dreams, abandoning me, then telling “the truth” not because we have a relationship and to help me be better, but to hurt me away from wanting anything] that if you do and I do not like the apology I received because the apology does not match the brevity of the action, I hold a grudge.
And it’s not on purpose, I want to forgive, I do not want to hold a grudge. But I base my ability to let go of the hurt and pain based on how badly you attempt to make it up to me. And if you don’t try, I have a hard time of letting go, no matter how badly I want to. It is the most necessary to be good at forgiveness when someone doesn’t even truly want or try to atone for their sins. I am terrible at it. And it consumes me and I become someone that I don’t even like.
I used to think forgiveness was the same as reconciliation; that if I was forgiven, the person would want to be my friend and vice versa. When that didn’t happen, I would wail like an impudent child because in my mind, forgiveness meant letting someone back in. I went on Wikipedia to see what forgiveness meant and this was their explanation.
Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship)
Forgiveness is not a magical “feeling” – it is a choice. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened. Forgiveness is accepting the current outcome and making a constant decision to look at the situation with light and love and positivity, no matter how hard it is. Forgiveness is the choice to not despise the transgressor or think anything negative about them, but understanding that they too are human and flawed. Forgiveness is learning how to not attach your peace to external forces. Forgiveness is freedom, learning how to let life be. Forgiveness is choosing a happiness that is not based on an outcome. So choosing real happiness.
2015 was a year that forced me to examine what my barometer for happiness is and my barometer for forgiveness. I am learning the necessity to forgive others and be happy despite the circumstances because everything is impermanent, everything changes. And if I assign my happiness or ability to forgive on things that are fundamentally unstable, I will never be an adaptable, resilient woman. Because even if it doesn’t pan out in a way I understand, the Creator is handling everything divinely. I also have to forgive because I found my first gray hair and I can’t get wrinkles, I enjoy looking 20.
Let’s hope in 2016, I won’t be such a fickle blogger.