If you know me, you know that I like to refer to myself as “awkward black girl” (shout out to issa rae); before that web-series, I always laughed/joked about my social [lack thereof] of skills, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I used to be grossly unattractive, teased, a poster child for low self-esteem and the symptoms that manifest with thinking you lack intrinsic worth. As I’ve grown older, I’m more attractive/appealing superficially, my personality has always been awesome because I had to compensate for my poor looks. Despite my self-described improvements, much is less to be desired.
Like many people, I’ve learned to associate emotionally unavailability with a feasible challenge to overcome for true love instead of realizing emotionally availability means exactly that; I’ve had my heart crushed, more than enough times, to understand that if my first emotional urge is to like someone, that means they are bad for me. I took a hiatus from dating because I was an emotionally scarred, ugly individual, and I needed that time to cope with my wounds in a proactive manner.
I recently went out on a date with a man that I thought was really attractive, kind, extremely into me and I feel… nothing. I wonder if it’s because I’ve been classically conditioned to have an emotional response to unkindness, games, et cetera. And if someone treats me with respect and that I’m the best thing since sliced bread, I’m unsure how to act, so I freak out and lash out. After spending time with him, I recognize that this has less to do with my issues and more to do with how we truly interact, it’s not what I want.
This was the first time I’ve ever been in a situation where someone was fully convinced on me, to the point of pressure; it’s a weird place to be, I feel like a bitch all of the time. I’m questioning if I am meant to be single, am I never going to fall in love and be in love and get married, am I blocking my blessing, am I doomed to want those who want me… Then I realized; when something is for you, there are no questions, no perception changes necessary, no excuses for them, no excuses for yourself.
I just want to have my goldilocks moment, eat my porridge that is just right.
There is this cartoon, Adventure Time, that speaks life lessons. One of the female characters, Fiona, says “I don’t need to feel like I’m noticed; I know who I and and I’ll know what I want, if and when it ever comes around.”
my porridge isn’t yet here, but I’ll stay hungry until I get my true sustenance.